watdoesntkillu | Spam for brokenarrrows

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[Morning after this thread.]

[She wakes slowly, light streaming in the large picture window and warming her face. She's not entirely ready to wake up yet because she's comfortable and relaxed, more so than she can remember feeling in the recent past. It takes her a moment to realize she's not in her bed and also that she isn't alone. She glances over her shoulder to see Daryl there, sprawled out and still asleep and she relaxes once more, exhaling slowly.

She stares at the window, listens intently for any noises that signal trouble, be it walkers or the kind she's come to dread even more: trouble from fellow humans. The latter have proven to be more dangerous nearly every single time.

Herself included. Familiar dread settles into her chest and she struggles to push it away. There isn't time for that now. For guilt or self-loathing. Leaving in the first place had been wrong. A mistake. The latest of many. She can't waste more time dwelling on any of it even if she can't seem to stop once she gets started.

There is so much at stake.

Glenn and Abraham and Sasha were all dead, and it's a matter of time before that count rises. She believes in this group and has for a long time now, but Negan has the numbers. Which means they're going to have to use every single ounce of wit, every able-bodied person to fight for their freedom. For their lives. They're going to have to pull out all the stops, exploit every single weakness in the other group, and fight dirty.

Fortunately she knows a thing or two about that. But for now, she stays still because she wants Daryl to get as much rest as he can. He needs to be strong for what's coming. They both do.]

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She squints at him, trying to decide if he was being honest about being all right physically. The rest -- well. At this point, she figures none of them are really all right.

When he falls silent, she uses the opportunity to add the spices to the meal and slides it into the oven, pausing when he starts talking again. "Dwight's -- the one who killed Denise?" She hadn't had a lot of time to catch up with the others, but her brief conversation with Tara had filled her in on that much.

"No," she says immediately when he says Glenn's death is his fault. She circles the kitchen island so she's standing in front of him, even though he's not looking at her. She reaches up and cups his face in her hands. "No, Daryl."

Had any of them really been alright before all of this? It was no lie that most of them had changed, became cold and numb. Some of them were already made for a world such as this but that didn't make it any easier.

"Yeah" he replies. "He's the one."

He closes his eyes as her gentle, small has move to cup his face, eyes going a bit wet and he shakes hishead. "If I hadn't done what I did Glenn would still be here" he hisses low but his voice cracks.

She knows for certain neither of them had been all right before the end had begun. She also feels pretty sure that if Ed hadn't died when he had, if things hadn't gone the way they had with the end of the world, eventually he would have killed her. And she'd been so weak, she's not sure she would have been able to stop it from happening.

Carol shakes her head, too. "You don't know that, Daryl. You can't take this on yourself," she whispers.

Daryl would have sure as hell stopped it. He wouldn't have allowed Ed to hurt Carol if he had anything to say about it but that issue had been handled and Carol was still left standing.

He pulls his face away from her, taking a step back as the guilt came washing over him once again, twisting at his broken, still beating heart.

"I do know" he replies. "I caused it. Glenn didn't deserve that, Abraham didn't neither."

She lets him pull away, but she keeps a close eye on him as he does. She lets her hands drop to her sides. "Tell me what happened that night."

Her voice is hushed. It's not that she wants the details -- she knows enough from what Morgan told her, but Daryl needs to talk about it. To process it with someone else, because her guess is that he hasn't talked about it at length with anyone.

Mostly she wants to know why he believes it's his fault, but the rest -- the gory details -- she'll take them if he needs to state the facts. This isn't about her.

It was a night that Daryl would forever remember. How could someone who experienced such a tramatic event ever forget it? The gory and horrific deaths of his two friends never left his mind.

He then takes a small breath, blinking back his wet eyes.

"Negan was waitin, took every damn one of us by surprise. Rick was tryin to get Maggie to hilltop, somethin was wrong with her, the saviors ambushed 'em all basically. Negan came out, started spouting shit and said he was gonna beat the hell outta one of us, had us all on our damn knees before 'im"

He closes his eyes tightly, fist balling up once again
.

"Glenn was afraid he was gonna kill Maggie, so he paniced and tried to get to her. He was stopped, grabbed and put back in line. Negan said shit like thst happens again that he'd keep killin us. Damn asshole stood there and played some kids game before he chose."

His knuckles have turned white now and he's pretty much growling.

"Sum bitch picked Abraham, bashed his head in right there, front of all of us, front of Sasha, Rosita, Eugene."

The image constantly played over and over in his mind, still fresh.

"Damn fucker took that bat and started waving it in front of Rosita, laughing and tryin to get her to look at it. I was done with his shit, done with him. So I got up and decked his sorry ass, bastard had it comin!"

He throws up a hand in both frustration and anger before his voice breaks again. "Fuckers grabbed me, Dwight was ready for the Negan to say the word to kill me but he didn't. Stopped 'im. Before any of us knew it he spun around and hit Glenn."

She can picture it all too well in her head. She'd seen the bat -- wrapped in barbed wire -- right as he was about to swing it at Carl the previous day. She schools her expression in neutrality, not willing to flinch or blanch at anything he says, no matter how much it hurts to hear. He needs this. She'll be calm and collected for him the way he always has been for her when she needed him to be.

But the thought of Daryl railing against Negan at that point is almost too much even for her to stomach. When they'd been so outnumbered, so outgunned. In an instant his life could have been over.

For him, there had been worse punishment for lashing out. Instead of going after him, Negan had taken it out on Glenn instead.

"He was toying with you. With all of you," she says very quietly. "It's what men like Negan do."

At the time Daryl knew he had very much put his own life at risk when he attacked Negan, he didn't think that his punishment would be taken out on another member of their little family.

"Shouldn't have been Glenn or Abraham" he hisses low but his voice is broken and haunted with his guilt.

And he was damn sure Carol couldn't bare to hear that Daryl thought it should have been him instead.

She doesn't have to hear him say the actual words. She gets his implication loud and clear. She would have gotten it even without that much. She knows him too well. Maybe even better than she knows herself sometimes.

"It shouldn't have been any of you," she responds evenly, staring at him intently. "Negan's people declared war on us and we responded in kind." Maybe it was wrong. She doesn't really know anymore. It doesn't matter, either. Not really. It's started, and it's not going away.

"But you are not to blame for what happened to Glenn, Daryl. And he wouldn't want you blaming yourself over it. There's one person to blame for what happened, and that's Negan."

"It never should be any of us" he replies back. Their little group was full of good people, good people that had been forced to do awful things in order to keep the group safe. Daryl understood groups did what they had to in order to survive but Negan had been someone that all had under estimated.

He just glances away once she whispers that Glenn wouldn't want him to blame himself, nor did Maggie but he did, he did deeply.

"Once all this is said and done imma kill that bastard, Dwight and if Rick don't beat me to Negan imma kill him too."

But it's always going to be, she thinks. It's always going to be one of them, because that's how the world is now. They're always going to have to do things they don't necessarily want to do in order to keep everyone else safe. Do things that in their previous lives, they never even would have considered. This is a new world from the one she'd grown up in.

It sometimes frightens her how well she's fit into this one in a way she never had in the old one.

Carol reaches out and lays her hand on his arm. "We're going to win this," she says quietly. They'd prevailed against the Governor, against the people at Terminus. Against the wolves. They'll win because there isn't another choice. "But to do that we need to keep up our strength." And yes, that means she's going to be making sure he takes care of himself from here on out.

He knows it's always going to be just that. He's very aware that they are always going to lose someone, even more so if they go into an all out war with Negan.

Beth had once told him that he would be the last man standing and that had been something Daryl hadn't wanted to hear. He had grown close to these people and he sure as hell didn't wish to be alone in this world.

Her words come as a comfort and he gives her a small nod.

"I'm sorry ya had to come back to all of this."

And yes he felt guilty for that too.

Carol thinks all out war with Negan is inevitable, and probably going to happen sooner than they're ready for. She does, however, think they'll win. Negan isn't the kind of leader that most people are going to want to follow. They simply feel like they have no other choice. Eventually they're going to realize they're wrong, the same way so many of the Woodbury people had.

That doesn't mean there isn't going to be a myriad of deaths. It's inevitable in her eyes, because that is what war means. But it's either fight for freedom or bow down to a psychopath, and Carol's days of bowing to men like Negan are long over.

Carol lifts her gaze to meet Daryl's eyes, her own full of warmth. "You don't owe me any apologies."

"I know ya didn't wanna do this, ya didn't wanna have to come back only to kill again" he tells her. It was another reason he had lied about what had happened, he knew at the time it was something Carol didn't need to hear and he didn't wish to break her anymore.

He didn't like her being gone but if that was what healed her then he could suck it up, even if it was pretty lonely. He didn't want to lose her.

"I'm glad ya didn't have to see it, that ya weren't there."

She knows the reasons he wasn't honest that day at her little house at the Kingdom. She knows him.

Carol had missed all of them while she was gone, but him most of all. And as selfish as it makes her -- and she knows it does -- she's glad she hadn't been there the night Negan had killed Glenn and Abraham. She's not sure how she would have reacted to them carting Daryl away, but she knows she wouldn't have taken it well. She's struggling with it now, and he's safe and sound in front of her.

For now, a little voice whispers.

"I'm okay," she says after a moment, and it's at least partially true. She's had a lot of time to think, to reflect. The world they live in now is a cold, cruel place, but she has something here -- family -- that makes the rest worth it even if it's a hard pill to swallow. She'll do what she has to do. "You don't have to worry about me." She knows he will anyway, because it's what they do, but she means it all the same.

She's not going to have another breakdown of some kind.

Hopefully.

He of all people knows just how broken she is, he may not know what all she's had to do but he's very aware that she's hurting. She has been for awhile now and in a way so has he.

He understands fully if she wishes to return to the Kingdom, it might even be safer there for her. As much as he wanted he told himself he wouldn't ask or try to get her to stay. Not if she needed more time after all of this.

"Ya ain't"he whispers lowly as he glances up at her for a moment.

"And I know ya can take care of yourself. "

Carol finds herself holding her breath at his response and she presses her lips together. For one horrible, terrible moment it's a struggle to keep the secret she's been harboring for so many months about what happened when she was away from most of the group. But that truth is something Daryl doesn't need to carry. It's something no one else needs to carry.

She nods slightly and looks down at the counter for a moment. "Largely thanks to you."

Daryl shifts a little more at Carol's words. The woman before him was a warrior, she had been well before the dead took over the earth. She was gifted with so many skills, she was quick and beyond clever.

It was easy for him to help teach her certain things like how to shoot and protect herself better.

"Nah" he mutters. "You've always known how to handle your own, I just pushed ya forward a bit more."

Growing up, Carol had loved school. She'd absorbed information like a sponge, and as much as Ed had tried, he hadn't managed to wring that ability out of her. So while she'd learned quickly what Daryl had trained her on, she still wouldn't know how to do a lot of it without him. Back on the farm, Shane had actually chuckled when she'd asked him to show her out to shoot, but Shane had never really thought her capable of much to begin with, so she hadn't been surprised. If he could see her now, she wonders what he'd think about how far she's come.

She cracks the tiniest of smiles at his comment. "Let's face it, Daryl. Until you started working with me after the farm, I knew how to run and scream really loudly," she says with vague amusement.

Daryl still could remember when he had heard Carol screaming for help that night. Things had took a very unexpected turn for the worst and everyone had gotten seperated. He was glad he had found her that night.

"Don't stand there actin like ya didn't no much of nothin. Ya sure as hell learned how to use a gun pretty quick, got real good to" he replies.

She has been very eager to learn everything she could when it came to weapons and she got damn good at it.

She was glad he found her that night, too. She gives him a small smile at his response, and after a moment, she moves forward and wraps her arms around him in a tight hug, closing her eyes and resting her chin on his shoulder.

"Thank you," she says quietly.

He lets her rest against him for a moment before his arms move to wrap around her small, slender frame. He keeps her close against him, her body warm against his own, he gives a small nod of his head at her words.

"It wasn't nothin" he mumbles. "Ya wanted to learn, I didn't mind helpin."

"You're a good man," she murmurs. And she knows he doesn't hear that as much as he should. She wants that for him: for him to hear it all the time, to accept it as truth even though she knows he doesn't. Not yet, anyway. Maybe one day.

Daryl didn't view himself as a good man, he never really had. It was sometimes rather hard to hear and it took some getting use to. He sure didn't feel like one now, not after all the death and loss.

"Yer good too" he mumers back.

If he only knew, he definitely wouldn't be saying that. She squeezes her eyes shut more tightly, trying to will away the tears she feels building. When she's sure they're not going to fall, she opens them again and reluctantly pulls away from him. She almost makes a comment about how far he's come since they first met in the quarry. Almost reminds him of the time early on when he'd flinch or glare anytime someone touched him. He really has come a long way.

"Why don't you go get cleaned up? Breakfast will be ready in a few minutes."

He allowes her to pull back as she wishes, his eyes falling along her as she did so. It was a wonder both of them were still standing with what they've both been through, what they've been forced to do.

He gives her a little nod before he moved to go do just that.

A little while later, she hears his feet on the stairs. The casserole is set out on the counter, hot and fresh from the oven, and Carol's set the table with two plates, two glasses of water, and silverware.

She's standing at the sink, staring out the window, shoulders tense. Some of the others are already outside, talking, working, preparing. She hasn't really talked to anyone but Daryl since she returned to Alexandria, and she's not sure what the reactions will be when they see her.

She turns to look at him. "I think we're going to need to go on a run to the Kingdom for food."

His eyes fall along her as he reaches the kitchen once again. He knew she was in deep thought, that she was still struggling with this all. That's one of the reasons he had lied to her in the first place.

A war was coming, a major war. They both were very aware of that.

He had moved towards the table, eyes falling along her once again as he nodded.

"Yeah, good has been low here for awhile but we've been able to gather what we can. I'll go with ya, I'm sure everyone will be safe here for now."

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